Living a life of endless distortion

Ignore the title. It has nothing to do with this blog entry anyway, I am only being theatrical with my words.

This post is neither dramatic nor angsty. This is me, avoiding the things I really needed to do. Setting aside things I need to really think about. In short I am procrastinating. I have a thousand reasons to do what’s important but I have a million reasons to put it in a halt.

So what exactly is running in my mind right now? Ramblings.

I have a lot of things in my head but I do not have the proper words to bring it fort. No creative thinking leaking out, only nonsensical ramblings to boot. If someone unfortunate does stumble upon this post, kindly forgive me for even putting up something like this. There’s this need inside of me to say-type-post my incoherent inner thoughts. One thing I could do for you, you unfortunate person who came across my site, I could promise that I will redeem myself one day when everything clears out in this confused head of mine. When my priorities are back on track. When my needs are surpassed by my wants… but as of this moment, this would have to do.

There are several things happening to me which I am highly happy and disturbed all at the same time. The ambivalence of it all takes me to heights I have never reached before. Let’s not include my future in this line of thought because that, I am sure, should be left to the future in itself. It should not be bothered for it does not want to be bothered. I will cross paths with it sooner or later than expected, and when that happens, we shall have our long conversation on why have I not done things the way I was expected of OR the future would give me a good ol’ slapping on the back telling me I did a good job on doing the shit I have done with my life.

This time, I am on self loathing and reflection. For almost 27 years… I have not accomplished anything great or special in my life, I am still highly confused (very very evident from this blog entry), my insecurities has never ran dry, I am still treated like a child (which I think is partly my fault because I still look like one and I think I let the people around me feel like I need taking care of even though I TRY HARD NOT TO and yet it still ends up that they take care of me, but that’s a whole different topic to relay about next time), my self esteem is sub par, I am a tiny person who carries such a huge confused brain, I am average and will always be average, I do not compete hence I get disappointed by losing, I anticipate defeat: too much it’s heart breaking to those who believe in me and my “so-called” talents, I doubt myself, I doubt my abilities in general but…

I easily give myself up for the people I love, the people I care about, people I call REAL friends and family. When I believe, I try to believe with my whole heart on the line. I don’t see the bad things because I believe in them, I try to believe in the goodness of everyone I meet.

l guess that is just the Way l am and would be. If there is a chance for me to Change then maybe that would come from specific influences which l hope are good ones.

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